You were my best friend
You were never supposed to leave me
Today. I bury you in the ground.
And as I stand at the precipice of this heart wrenching
Earth shattering reality
I’m still looking for you…
I’m still talking to you…
As you gain your wings into heaven.
As I stay behind.
I was naive to think you would never leave me
I never thought you would leave this suddenly
I wish I had been there.
In that hospital room
With those nurses and doctors
As the pronounced you
“0202. Time of death.”
I held your hand that day
Just one last time
Filing it away in my memory
The hands that held me when I was weak
The hands that pushed me to be brave
But today Dad, adieu.
To JB. Thank you for reminding me that parents don’t live forever. Cherish the moments that make you smile, and forgive the fights that make you cry. That knee crumbling, wracking sob that escapes from one’s body from true loss…it will haunt you. It will haunt anyone who hears it. It is true heart break. Its your heart ripping and tearing. And no matter how many years pass, there will always be a hole. Not a day will go by without you thinking about that hole in your heart.
This is the end for me.
This is the end.
No. No we keep going.
We’ll get your kidneys working.
Then we’ll re-start chemotherapy.
Look at me, I’m a shell.
I’m a shell.
No no. I’m telling you there’s a good chance we’ll have you on chemotherapy.
We’ll give you time.
Don’t give up.
We’re not giving up.
This is my ending.
Let me choose with dignity.
Don’t say I’m giving up.
Do you think I want to leave my wife behind?
My kids behind?
I’m accepting my fate.
We all die.
I’m choosing to listen to my body.
I want to be with my family.
I want to touch their hands
Kiss my wife for the last time
Lay next to her in bed just one last night
In our bed.
I want to have my last thoughts be of my beautiful life
I don’t want chemotherapy to rob me of anymore time
I don’t want chemotherapy to give my family any more false hopes
I want them to see me at peace.
Because I know
I know when I take my last breath.
That image will always be in their minds.
They should see peace
Never pain Doctor.
No more pain.
He had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, chemo unsuccessful, bone marrow transplant unsuccessful, salvage chemo unsuccessful. Bedridden, swollen, acute kidney failure precipitated by chemo…and all he wanted to do was die. But every day, he had an oncologist pushing him for ‘more’ – but there comes a moment when you’ve done everything and all you can do is give a dying man gravitas.
Today I learned about brain death.
Today I got to see a brain dead patient.
Today I saw a mother grieve.
He chose to believe his life was not worth living.
The pain must have been so incredibly unbearable
For him to choose this path.
Both wrists had new bandages.
As if he was transcribing his pain for the world to see.
His neck – red – from the makeshift noose.
He lay in this bed
A body & mind deprived of oxygen –
There was nothing left.
just an empty vessel…
His pupils: blown.
Core Temp: 90F
Bleeding through his nose.
Through his mouth.
No reflexes left.
His vitals slowly deteriorating before our eyes.
Before her eyes.
As she sat there holding his hand.
Titrating, bolusing –
but after it all
we couldn’t get his pressures up.
He was ready to take that last step into the abyss.
No matter the medical manipulation…
His body was dying
But his brain was dead
The schism between life & death becoming clear —
as if Hades himself was in that room.
Today I got to see what a brain dead patient looks like.
Today I felt sadness
For the mother who will – for the rest of her life
Remember the loss of her child
On Mother’s Day
They say the only tombstones you see are at graveyards.
Erect, etched in stone –
Names of loved ones past.
They forget to tell you the tombstones on an EKG
…the ones that cause the blood to be drained out of your face
As you run into the room…
Finding your patient
Cool. Clammy. Pulseless.
Both foreshadowing the afterlife.
Both in its wake will leave pain.
One commemorates a life.
While the other robs it.
You start your ACLS and pray for modern medicine to work.
But just as fast a you saw it rise –
you see nothing now but glassy eyes.
Eyes looking up – you hope – at a light that’s warm and welcoming.
Not this fluorescent tube light.
Illuminating a room full of strangers dressed in shades of blue & green.
And as they call time of death:
They will never forget.
How quick that electricity went from –
You don’t have to walk through graveyards to see tombstones.
Sometimes all you need is a Tele Box
and a dying heart…